It would make more sense to put a teacher in every gun shop.

You Might Also Like


If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”


Me – I can’t find the sea salt.

Wife – It’s next to the paprika.

Me – No it isn’t.

(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)


[Me as a Sunday school teacher]

…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.


John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense

Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts


Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.


Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.


I have a stalker now and it’s super creepy. She shows up wherever I go… her house, her job, the women’s restroom. I don’t know what to do.


Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance. These are the five stages of learning that Ben Affleck is the new Batman.


Therapist: Do you have a support system?

Me: I have a lumbar pillow.

Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?

Me: I have a lumbar pillow.