A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
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My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.