@clarkekant

It would make more sense to put a teacher in every gun shop.

You Might Also Like

@simoncholland

If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”

@Social_Mime

Me – I can’t find the sea salt.

Wife – It’s next to the paprika.

Me – No it isn’t.

(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)

@GingerHotDish

[Me as a Sunday school teacher]

…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.

@DrakeGatsby

John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense

Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts

@MomOnFire

Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.

@timdonakowski

Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.

@joeljeffrey

I have a stalker now and it’s super creepy. She shows up wherever I go… her house, her job, the women’s restroom. I don’t know what to do.

@markleggett

Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance. These are the five stages of learning that Ben Affleck is the new Batman.

@EyalTweet

Therapist: Do you have a support system?

Me: I have a lumbar pillow.

Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?

Me: I have a lumbar pillow.