If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
You Might Also Like
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one