You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
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surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
What the hell is going on?
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.