It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
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Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
They grow up so quick
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back