It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
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Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.