It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
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I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
Lmaoo 😂
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
saw this in a dream
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.