IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
You Might Also Like
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
same vibe as tangled headphones