@dlockw21

IT: You deleted the OS?

Me: I think so.

IT: It didn’t warn you?

Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?

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@Reverend_Scott

*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.

@thegrugq

I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567

@AntozWolf

I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.

@lottie_fly_x

I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle

@bepryor

This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy

@jessokfine

Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.

@LionJenkins

Rolls down car window.

Throws caution to the wind.

Spends an hour cleaning caution off the side of the car.

@sofarrsogud

[First day working in an optometrists]

Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.

Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?

Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol

@CorkyKneivel

[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”