*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
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I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
Everyone makes mistakes
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Rolls down car window.
Throws caution to the wind.
Spends an hour cleaning caution off the side of the car.
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”