@ComicMikeV

Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians

You Might Also Like

@brennadine

How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin

@thatUPSdude

Don’t you hate when somebody gives you the finger in traffic and then you have to follow them home and loosen the lug nuts on their wheels.

@FuckabillyRex

Her: Is that a banana in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
Me: It’s a meatball sub and I’m happy as long as I don’t have to share

@pakalupapito

sleeping is nice because ur not actually dead and ur not awake so its a win-win situation

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

*Screaming at kids at soccer practice

LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.

@Darlainky

Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.

@24HourBitching

Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…

@GeriatricBeards

*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true

@Thynebear

Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use

@robfee

Paper towel ads always show kids making huge messes then mom smiles & cleans it up. My mom would’ve handed me a mop then beat me with a belt