Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians

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How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin


Don’t you hate when somebody gives you the finger in traffic and then you have to follow them home and loosen the lug nuts on their wheels.


Her: Is that a banana in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
Me: It’s a meatball sub and I’m happy as long as I don’t have to share


sleeping is nice because ur not actually dead and ur not awake so its a win-win situation


*Screaming at kids at soccer practice

LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.


Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.


Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…


*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true


Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use


Paper towel ads always show kids making huge messes then mom smiles & cleans it up. My mom would’ve handed me a mop then beat me with a belt