How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
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Don’t you hate when somebody gives you the finger in traffic and then you have to follow them home and loosen the lug nuts on their wheels.
Her: Is that a banana in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
Me: It’s a meatball sub and I’m happy as long as I don’t have to share
sleeping is nice because ur not actually dead and ur not awake so its a win-win situation
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
Paper towel ads always show kids making huge messes then mom smiles & cleans it up. My mom would’ve handed me a mop then beat me with a belt