The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
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When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill