Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
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Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
My husband has a sore throat…send an ambulance
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
“I’m glad to see you”
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.