@meganamram

Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!

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@ColoradoCrow

Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”

@UncleDuke1969

Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!

@abbycohenwl

“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”

@continentlbkfst

boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok

[later]

announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd

me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks

@TheHyyyype

[1st day as a detective]

me: a vampire did it

partner: sorry?

me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire

partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-

me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants

@Brianhopecomedy

*presses wheelchair accessible button*

*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*

“We’re here for a haircut.”

@sixfootcandy

If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.

If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.

This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.

@Iwriteforcats

Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.