@shutupmikeginn

It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.

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@thesulk

Pizza Hut ad: “Do you want the same old same old, or do you want the original?” Think about these words.

@bazecraze

According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.

@SteveKoehler22

Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..

all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.

@Audenary

LION: Lions don’t lose sleep over the opinion of sheep.

SHEEP: Shaun thinks your mane looks ridiculous.

LION: *upset* Shaun said that?

@LaceyNycole

I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.

@WheelTod

[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm

@TheRealRHB

Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…

@Weird_Rash

Just got arrested for racing my Segway wearing an adult diaper and a Viking helmet. Still not clear which law I broke.

@TheBigBatman

her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssst

GOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE

@jellybnbonanza

When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?