It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.

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Pizza Hut ad: “Do you want the same old same old, or do you want the original?” Think about these words.


According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.


Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..

all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.


LION: Lions don’t lose sleep over the opinion of sheep.

SHEEP: Shaun thinks your mane looks ridiculous.

LION: *upset* Shaun said that?


I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.


[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm


Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…


Just got arrested for racing my Segway wearing an adult diaper and a Viking helmet. Still not clear which law I broke.


her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssst



When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?