It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
You Might Also Like
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*