It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
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They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good