(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
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Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
BRO LMFAO
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
Raisins are grape jerky.
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?