(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
You Might Also Like
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer