Most people: I guess balloons are ok
ITEMS EVERY WOMAN SHOULD OWN:
-Little Black Dress
-Strappy s- ok now that the men have stopped reading, we revolt at dawn.
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Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
Love my pillow so much because it doesn’t leave my house in the morning after spending the night with me.
me: ridiculously wide sunglasses
shark 1: i’m out
shark 2: i’m out
hammerhead shark: i’m listening
Turns out HR doesn’t care if it’s national underwear day, you have to wear pants to work.
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.