February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
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My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
😩😩😩
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
For those that worship cheese..
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.