@bananafitz

ITEMS EVERY WOMAN SHOULD OWN:
-Little Black Dress
-Cute flats
-Strappy s- ok now that the men have stopped reading, we revolt at dawn.

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@PetrickSara

Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.

@Mindless4Miles

I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.

@TheCatWhisprer

[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy

@GuyConfused

Love my pillow so much because it doesn’t leave my house in the morning after spending the night with me.

@AndrewChamings

[shark tank]
me: ridiculously wide sunglasses
shark 1: i’m out
shark 2: i’m out
hammerhead shark: i’m listening

@thatUPSdude

Turns out HR doesn’t care if it’s national underwear day, you have to wear pants to work.

@TheAndrewNadeau

ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.

RECIPE SITE: Sure!

ME: Thank you.

RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—

ME: *Whispers* No.

RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.

@jake_likes_naps

I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.