IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
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One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.