I
T
H
I
N
KW
ES
H
O
U
L
DR
U
I
NP
E
O
P
L
E
ST
I
M
E
L
I
N
EB
YT
W
E
E
T
I
N
GL
I
K
ET
H
I
SA
L
LD
A
Y
.
.
.
.
.
You Might Also Like
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
they should invent a hydrating liquor
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
Kids, do not try this at home!
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?