Ancient Man: Out of water. Let’s walk 10,000 miles to a fresh continent.
Modern Man: Fridge is empty. Guess I’ll just die in my kitchen.
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
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My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Her: We have rats!
Me: We do?
Her: Look something gnawed thru this package of cookies!
Me: (wipes crumbs from my mouth) I’ll buy traps.
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
Brad Pitt. While you’re helping the world, please feed your wife.
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
Do people who use handkerchiefs know they don’t have to hang on to the things that come out of their nose?
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave