It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.

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Me: Hey Mom!

My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time

Me: Wha-

Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!


You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken


Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.


My dog just attacked the pizza delivery man WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING


[first day in prison]

“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”


My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?


Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.