@banalplay

It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.

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@ThugRaccoons

Judge: Call your next witness

Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips

Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in

@andylassner

I said “no” to a lot of things this year without giving them a chance.
In 2016 I plan on saying “maybe” more and then changing it to “no”.

@Papa_Mex

8:00am on a Saturday morning and my neighbor was mowing his lawn.

Now he looks really funny covered in paint balls

@MikeDrucker

If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”

@KalvinMacleod

[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing

@IamEveryDayPpl

If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.

@215potter

Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…