Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
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People who say love is dead have obviously never seen me eat a burrito.
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
My dog just attacked the pizza delivery man WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING
Count Dooku has always been puzzled by his wife, Sue.
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
A new breed of stupid…
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.