@banalplay

It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.

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@smithsara79

Me: Hey Mom!

My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time

Me: Wha-

Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!

@AstroKatie

You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.

@beccafacexo

My dog just attacked the pizza delivery man WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING

@3sunzzz

[first day in prison]

“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”

@SteevUmc

My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?

@NYC_Blonde

Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.