*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
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Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
I said “no” to a lot of things this year without giving them a chance.
In 2016 I plan on saying “maybe” more and then changing it to “no”.
8:00am on a Saturday morning and my neighbor was mowing his lawn.
Now he looks really funny covered in paint balls
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
I made a graph that describes every human relationship I’ve had
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
“I will cook for you.” I threatened