@banalplay

It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.

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@Iwriteforcats

Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.

@rachelle_mandik

the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free

@SkylarGarland

“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)

@Jandalize

I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.

@SomthinBoutSara

If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE

@mid_sommar

you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter

@Ristolable

HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.

@RunOldMan

Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.

@XplodingUnicorn

[hardware store]

Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff

Wife: Fine

Clerk: Can I help you?

Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails

@smedlee

APOCALYPSE SURVIVOR: “We must conserve resources. Only people with useful skills! What’s yours?”
ME: “I write and want to dir–”
“GUNSHOT*