It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.

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Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.


[knock on door]
Who is it?
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]


What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone


I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.


Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…


I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.


We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.


“I sure hope Pitbull and Nicky Minaj do an album together!” – said no one ever.


My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.