Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
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Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Me: So I went to lunch.
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
“No, after you.”
“If you insist.”
– Canadian Dirty Talk
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
Falling coconuts kill more people than falling sharks.
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
Is corn the only vegetable that’s better exploded?