@theguydf

It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.

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@AbbieEvansXO

Him: so you like bad boys?

Me: of course not

Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-

Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do

@shesananteater

Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.

@UncleDuke1969

“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”

– Canadian Dirty Talk

@deviledlegs

The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.

@_ElvishPresley_

*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*

wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u

@prufrockluvsong

So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY