It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
You Might Also Like
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
Remember folks 😂
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.