There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
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*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
Jogging has never helped my memory.
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
Bloody internet 😳
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
shut up and take my money
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.