It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
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Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.