Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
It’s 27 outside. Oh great, even the weather is younger and cooler than me now.
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Stop adding commas, where they don’t belong.
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
I will break into your house if I smell bacon
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
“whats your emergency”
there’s someone in my home
“are you safe?”
it’s a girl
“do you like her”
*starts twirling hair*
I dont know
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”