I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
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Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”