I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
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This pepper has seen some shit
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
A couple who are silly together stay together.
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.