“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
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Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
I am a gravy boat captain
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?