@erica_rosie

It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.

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@BradBroaddus

I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

[bean naming]

Angel: okay, this one?

God: it’s black, so black bean

A: and this?

G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!

A: k, and this one?

G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!

A: … dude, you alright?

@lucidchemistry

10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house

@Scdavis24

That moment when you spell a word so wrong that even auto correct is like….

‘I’ve got nothing man.’

@causticbob

5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.

@aaronup

Psssst.

Hey you,

Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it

@AngelaEhh

OMG you guys. I just got asked out. By a real live guy. I don’t know what to do!? Play dead? Duck and roll?

I’m so confused!!

@lecalabara

“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?