It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
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I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
#NeverForget
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.