Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
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“Please stop being mean” – Me 3 seconds in to a rap battle
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”
TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
Sodomy? SodoYOU. JK, please sodomy.
Caught my food taking a picture of me. When I confronted it, it said it was for its people blog? What a creep.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
“Is your refrigerator running?”
“My fridge used to run every day, but ever since he started smoking marijuana he just lays on the couch.”
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.