@erica_rosie

It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.

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@WetzelGeek

Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.

@Home_Halfway

“Please stop being mean” – Me 3 seconds in to a rap battle

@TheAlexNevil

[Italian restaurant]

LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”

TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”

@ClichedOut

my gf left me cuz i’m insecure

never mind she’s back she went pee

@lanyardtwerk

Caught my food taking a picture of me. When I confronted it, it said it was for its people blog? What a creep.

@stevevsninjas

Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*

@Thynebear

“Is your refrigerator running?”

“My fridge used to run every day, but ever since he started smoking marijuana he just lays on the couch.”

@dinokitten

*at adoption center*

“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”

@Dani_Feld

I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.