It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
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If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between