It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.

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6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]

me: [hides behind GF]


me: look, we need more strong female lead char-


#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me


Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?

He thought he had job security…


Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.


me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.

subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.


Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.

Me: Uhhh

F: Really into Craft Beer.


F: He has a podcast.

Me: That’s every man I know.


as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound


Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.



Me: *lying back with mouth full of cotton wool*

Dentist: So what do you do?

Equipment trolley 3ft away: I’m a ventriloquist


*Mouth full of pizza*
Boss: I thought you were trying to lose weight?
Me: Waaa? Iths diet peetha.