@3sunzzz

It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.

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@PaperWash

6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]

me: [hides behind GF]

GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-

me: look, we need more strong female lead char-

@KeithSantagato

#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me

@TheBoydP

Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?

He thought he had job security…

@Babasnookie

Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.

@JB4Realz

me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.

subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.

@ShootyDoody

Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.

Me: Uhhh

F: Really into Craft Beer.

Me:

F: He has a podcast.

Me: That’s every man I know.

@prozdkp

as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound

@Opiyow

Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.

@JCautomatic

[Dentist’s]

Me: *lying back with mouth full of cotton wool*

Dentist: So what do you do?

Equipment trolley 3ft away: I’m a ventriloquist

@taramae72

*Mouth full of pizza*
Boss: I thought you were trying to lose weight?
Me: Waaa? Iths diet peetha.