It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
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[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
Happy Star Wars day!
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.