r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
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If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
The sacred texts.
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.