It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
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I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
A man of commitment.