It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
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My leg-lengthening surgery was a success, but I accidentally spent the last three months turning the screws the wrong way, and now I’m 3’ 4”.
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
my favorite maggie smith movie will always be hook, which she played at 56 years old but the makeup was so good it confused an entire generation of people when she just kept looking the same or better for the next 3 decades
