It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
You Might Also Like
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
i wish i could marry a nap
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again