[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
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Tom work hard.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
I never give homeless people drugs because I know they’re just going to trade them for food
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
HELLO I SEE THAT YOU SLIGHTLY TOUCHED YOUR MOUSE WOULD YOU LIKE TO UPDATE JAVA?
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Don’t you start.
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.