@killingit06

It’s a 10 minute walk from my house to the pub.

It’s a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house.

The distance is staggering.

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@chuuew

ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means

@Tayl0rBr00ks

A bald guy in a turtleneck sweater looks 97% like a roll-on deodorant.

@Book_Krazy

*In church

9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…

Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep

9: oh

@MaryKoCo

No, my kid didn’t do the drawings I have up around my desk. I did them. It’s my desk.

@Kryzazy

Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.

@zachv86

*speaks at high school graduation*

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@squirrel74wkgn

I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.