*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
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To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
Does your wife know you’re single?
me doing my best
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three