It’s a 10 minute walk from my house to the pub.

It’s a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house.

The distance is staggering.

You Might Also Like


ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means


A bald guy in a turtleneck sweater looks 97% like a roll-on deodorant.


*In church

9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…

Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep

9: oh


No, my kid didn’t do the drawings I have up around my desk. I did them. It’s my desk.


Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.


*speaks at high school graduation*

Your 12 year free trial has expired. To continue your education please submit your credit card info.


I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.