Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the walking.
It’s a 10 minute walk from my house to the pub.
It’s a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house.
The distance is staggering.
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ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
And the Lord said, ‘Let there be idiots.’
A bald guy in a turtleneck sweater looks 97% like a roll-on deodorant.
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
Paranoid Mexicans have a Hispanic room.
No, my kid didn’t do the drawings I have up around my desk. I did them. It’s my desk.
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
*speaks at high school graduation*
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I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.