I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
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One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
If looks could kill
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.