It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
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[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.