[goes to walmart]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
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4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
4: And blue
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
DEBATE CAPTAIN: You’re off the debate team
ME: No I’m not
DEBATE CAPTAIN: Damn. Where the hell was this guy at regionals?
Fitness level: Just used a yoga DVD as a coaster for my beer.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
M: So we can eat.
M: To stay alive.
M: I have no idea.
The guy who invented folding chairs lovingly cares for his product which is a problem for his wife who has season tickets to pro wrestling
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?