It’s a beautiful day to go to the park & watch an owl carry off a Pomeranian.

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*being mugged*

me: “im warning you, i know karate”

mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”


Day 1: injected self with mouse DNA

Day 2: ate 12 blocks of cheese

Day 3: 15 blocks

Day 4: experiment is failure; no observable changes


Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom


Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?

Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine


Escape room, but it’s just me locking myself in the car again


when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans


To the first two people who thought Superman was a bird or plane… why the hell were you so excited?


Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.


nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.


Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?