@ozzyunc

It’s a beautiful day to go to the park & watch an owl carry off a Pomeranian.

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@HepatitisAtoZ

*being mugged*

me: “im warning you, i know karate”

mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”

@therealeatwood

Day 1: injected self with mouse DNA

Day 2: ate 12 blocks of cheese

Day 3: 15 blocks

Day 4: experiment is failure; no observable changes

@Darlainky

Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom

@Swoosh61

Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?

Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine

@TheClifBob

Escape room, but it’s just me locking myself in the car again

@ok_girlfriend

when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans

@AKATriple

To the first two people who thought Superman was a bird or plane… why the hell were you so excited?

@TheBoydP

Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.

@dannyschof81

nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.

@Cadmarch

Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?