It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
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“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect