It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
You Might Also Like
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES