“It’s a bird, no it’s a plane” my dude, how bad are your eyes (rhetorical) that you can’t tell the difference between a bird (very small) and a plane (like 3 times bigger than any bird) not to mention (but I will) it’s actually a guy in tights (possibly cake)

You Might Also Like


Me ending every email:









6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?


Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.


ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle


I like my women with curves. Lots and lots of curves. In a sort of spiral shape, maybe with ketchup. Curly fries. I like curly fries


Christmas Warning:

Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.


Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*

Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed


HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?

ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?

HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?

ME: I love you.


Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*