Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
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I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
Why couldn’t the Mayans just make a calendar full of naked women like everybody else?
I always pick up a huge cucumber up at walmart and yell to my wife
“you said you wanted the biggest one right”
Because I’m a great husband
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
me: i love pillow talk
me: what the hell
wife: know what today is?
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..