@LostCatDog

It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.

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@AnOrangeSNES

I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.

@NurseSeymour

Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.

@buhsbaby_baby

If by “be (your) girlfriend” you mean “catch spiders and hide them in your pockets everyday” then yes, I’ll be your girlfriend.

@InThaBurbs

Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.

@Playing_Dad

Me: You want to watch a horror movie for Halloween?
Dog: Sure, put it on
Me: *turns on Dyson vacuum infomercial*

@JVarsityCaptain

I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.

@joshbupkes

when you’re a kid you’re like “how do actors cry so easily?” and when you grow up you’re like “how is anyone ever not crying?”

@realfunghi

Bird: Good morning! How are you?

Me: Oh my God! You can talk!

Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.