I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
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Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
If by “be (your) girlfriend” you mean “catch spiders and hide them in your pockets everyday” then yes, I’ll be your girlfriend.
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
The stunning clarity of this wave
Me: You want to watch a horror movie for Halloween?
Dog: Sure, put it on
Me: *turns on Dyson vacuum infomercial*
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
when you’re a kid you’re like “how do actors cry so easily?” and when you grow up you’re like “how is anyone ever not crying?”
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
I bet the guy who invented cursive writing was drunk.