It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
You Might Also Like
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
Oh hi lol
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
guys I’m going home
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.