“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
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My oldest chicken is going through henopause
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.