It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
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I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”