“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
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That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
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{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]