@UnFitz

It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.

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@robin_991

How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.

@calamitydaisy

If you cannot afford a stenographer, a 4 year old will be appointed for you to repeat exactly what you said at all times. Do you understand?

@sixfootcandy

I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”

@cravin4

If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.

@jergarl

Wife: Do you hear that super annoying sound?

Me: No, what is it? *holds breath so I can hear better*

Wife: Oh thank God, it stopped.

@Jesssicle

My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.

@TheAlexNevil

“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”

–Jaws, dubbed for England

@Staggfilms

ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?

BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.

ROBIN: What?

BATMAN: What?

@DadZZZasleep

wife: you need to do more around the house

me: can you change the subject please?

wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you