It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
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chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.