It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.

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How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.


If you cannot afford a stenographer, a 4 year old will be appointed for you to repeat exactly what you said at all times. Do you understand?


I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”


If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.


Wife: Do you hear that super annoying sound?

Me: No, what is it? *holds breath so I can hear better*

Wife: Oh thank God, it stopped.


My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.


“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”

–Jaws, dubbed for England


ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?

BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.

ROBIN: What?



wife: you need to do more around the house

me: can you change the subject please?

wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you