@captainkalvis

It’s a good thing earthquakes don’t happen in Texas lmao mfers would be outside shooting the ground

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@junejuly12

Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:

•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.

@mommajessiec

My husband and I decided to be more honest with each other. In related news, he’s been sleeping on the couch.

@fro_vo

Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there

@TheHyyyype

[ice fishing]

*pulling on rod* whoa nelly that’s a big ice

@ClichedOut

[blind date]

HER: i love classic rock

ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge

@RuinMyWeek

[God & his assistant making giraffes]

ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?

*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*