A doorbell that whispers “hide.”
It’s a good thing earthquakes don’t happen in Texas lmao mfers would be outside shooting the ground
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Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
My husband and I decided to be more honest with each other. In related news, he’s been sleeping on the couch.
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Mom: how about 1 friend
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
*pulling on rod* whoa nelly that’s a big ice
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle