Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
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Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
reminder
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.