Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
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Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
Me buying fruit and veg
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.