The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
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Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
When I can’t barge, I careen.
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
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Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu